This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
