You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
