Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
