Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
and she was petting her beer can
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize