tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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