you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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