If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
