My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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