just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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