The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
