I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
