The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
