how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
