I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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