what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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