Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
