True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
