My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
