Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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