Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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