When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
