twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
