I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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