She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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