My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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