I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize