I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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