dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
