in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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