I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
