Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
