So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
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