I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
