i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Pants are for mortals
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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