I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Randomize
