my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
40s are totally the cure
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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