pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
