Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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