Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
