it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
