we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
