Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize