when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
