I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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