pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
