Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
