apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
