the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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