I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
