babies were throwing up all over the place
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
