just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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