i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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