Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
