you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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