Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
