I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
