to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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