nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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