Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
