I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
