i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
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