Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
