I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
