I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
